You think you're showing up authentically—you've done the work, you know better—but your ego has sneakier ways of keeping you small than you realize. That "helpful" voice making you sound more polished? That urge to edit out the messy parts? That's not wisdom. It's self-protection disguised as professionalism. And it's blocking the very connection you're craving.

What happens when we stop pretending to have it all figured out?

We all wear masks. They feel safe, familiar, and protective—like armor that shields us from judgment, rejection, or being seen as less than perfect.

But here's the thing about masks...while they protect us, they also block us from the very connection we're craving. They create separation when what we really want is closeness.

And I'm here, standing at my kitchen counter, laptop open, ready to tell you about a mask I've been working on removing.

The mask of "knowing."

The mask of having it all figured out.

It's at the edge of my comfort (and safety) zone to name this publicly.

But here goes…

The Mask of "Knowing"—And How I'm Learning to Remove It

Here's what I mean...

When I'm with friends, family, or even on group calls with women in The Whole Soul Way™, vulnerability flows pretty easily

(Though even getting to this level of vulnerability and honesty has been a long journey)

In these settings, I more freely share my stories, struggles, curiosities, discoveries, and feelings.

It feels natural to be human and even messy.

The Sneaky Switch I'm Catching

But the moment I sit down to write an email or create a social media post, something shifts. 😳

A protective part of me slides in—so subtly I don't even notice—and suddenly I'm writing from a podium instead of from my heart.

I can start with the best intentions to share something real and personal, maybe something I'm struggling with, but by the time I hit send, the words have been sanitized.

The stories have been forgotten.

The raw truth has been wrapped in coaching language.

Ugh.

It's like my mind quietly edits out the vulnerability and replaces it with safer, more "helpful" content—all without me consciously choosing it.

I'm learning to catch this. I'm practicing noticing when it happens. And I'm getting better at choosing differently—but it still sneaks in more than I'd like to admit.

What My Nervous System Is Really Doing

What's really happening is my nervous system is trying to keep me safe.

Writing to "everyone" feels exposed in a way that speaking to my intimate circle doesn't.

So my psyche whispers, "Just teach instead. Share lessons, not your mess. Be helpful, not messy or real."

I know in my soul that we're all hungry for real connection, not more expertise.

We want to see other people living life and sharing their journey, stumbling, and getting back up.

And yet, even when I try to be that vulnerable in these more public ways, to people whose reactions I can't predict or manage, I armor up without even realizing it.

In my intimate circles, I trust that if someone doesn't like what I share, we can talk it through.

But with an unknown audience, my nervous system whispers old fears:

"What if they see your vulnerability as weakness? What if they use it against you? What if they no longer respect you? What if they hate you? What if they hurt you?"

I know it's a perfectly natural defense mechanism, rooted in very real experiences of being hurt when I dared to be seen.

But, daaaaamn, it's keeping me from the connection I long for.

The Trickster Ego: How Self-Protection Disguises Itself as Wisdom

Here's what makes this so insidious: the ego doesn't announce itself.

It doesn't say, "Hey, I'm scared, so I'm going to make you play small now."

Instead, it masquerades as:

• Professionalism ("This sounds more credible")

• Helpfulness ("Focus on serving them, not on yourself")

• Wisdom ("They need teaching, not your mess")

• Quality control ("This version is better, more polished" 

And because these voices sound so reasonable, we don't recognize them as fear.

We think we're showing up fully when we're actually self-editing in real-time, cutting out the very parts that would create genuine connection.

This is the ego's genius: it convinces you that playing small IS showing up big.

She is so sneaky!!!

Where This Shows Up in Your Life

You're probably doing this too, even if you can't see it yet.

Maybe you:

• Write a vulnerable post, then delete the personal parts before sharing

• Start to share a struggle in a conversation, then pivot to "but I figured it out" before the discomfort gets too real

• Practice radical honesty with your therapist but stay surface-level with husband

• Teach what you know, but hide what you're still learning

• Show your polished self on social media while keeping your messy, uncertain self private

• Say "I'm fine" when someone asks how you are, even when you're not

The pattern is the same: intimacy feels safe, but visibility feels dangerous.

So we curate.
We edit.
We sanitize.

And then we wonder why we feel so lonely despite being so "authentic."

Why This Keeps Happening (Even After All the Inner Work)

I can see where I still spend too much of my life trying to control outcomes instead of trusting the flow.

I can see where I manage other people's perceptions by saying what I think is more acceptable and palatable.

And I've been actively working on letting go on a deeper level.

I'm learning to trust. I'm walking this path of surrender, stumbling many days. Bravely catching my mask on other days.

I teach about letting go of control because I'm desperately practicing it myself.

Here's the truth about ego protection...it doesn't always notice how much inner work you've done.

It doesn't see all of the ways you've healed your inner child, done shadow work, learned about nervous system regulation.

The moment you step into new levels of visibility or vulnerability, the ego goes into protection mode. And finds new, more sophisticated ways to keep you "safe."

This isn't a sign you're doing it wrong. It's a sign you're growing.

The ego only fights this hard when you're actually threatening to be seen fully.

What I'm Practicing Now (And What You Can Too)

I'm reminding myself daily that this mask WILL pop on faster than I can catch it. (Thank you, unconscious mind)

And when I notice, I take a moment to reassure my scared parts that while I cannot control other people's reactions, I am safe, I can trust that I won't abandon myself, and that we're going to be okay.

Then, I invite the softer, more tender me to explore what I really yearn to share—what it is that I'm struggling with, confused by, and feeling.

I'm learning to work lovingly with this safety mechanism that kicks in—remembering it's not the truth about what I should share, it's the fear that my mind is feeling.

And while holding all of that, I'm practicing writing to you as a fellow human on the path, still learning, still questioning, still beautifully uncertain about so much.

Because maybe what you need isn't someone who has it all figured out—maybe what you need is permission to be imperfect, unsure, and messy while still being strong, knowledgeable, and capable of leading.

Maybe you need to see that you don't have to wait until you've "arrived" to start sharing your gifts.

I'm giving myself that permission. And I'm inviting you to do the same.

What DOES Quiet the Ego?

And here's the beautiful part I'm discovering...the ego DOES start to quiet down when you TAKE NEW ACTION.

Each time I show up more boldly, don't shrink, don't sanitize my words—each time I prove to that scared part that I'm safe—the grip loosens a little.

Because the ego is worried that I'll be rejected, abandoned, and even might die if I do this. It's not being dramatic. To my nervous system, this IS a survival threat. From childhood, vulnerability meant danger. Being seen fully meant potential annihilation.

But when I DO show up more true and whole, when I DO reveal myself—even when others don't receive it well, or dislike it, or even tear me down—I'm still here. I survived. I can take care of myself. I'm okay.

To my clients, I often say, "and you didn't die!" 

We retrain the nervous system through experience.

The scared part needs proof, not promises. And every time you show up authentically and don't die, you're building evidence that it's safe to be seen.

The ego's volume decreases not when you convince it you're safe, but when you demonstrate it—over and over and over.

How to Catch Your Ego's Trickster Moves

This work of recognizing when we're playing small—especially when we think we're showing up fully—requires constant vigilance and compassionate self-awareness.

Here are some things that help:

Notice the sanitizing urge
When you're about to share something and suddenly feel the impulse to "polish it up" or "make it more helpful," pause. Ask: "Am I editing for clarity or am I editing out vulnerability?"

Track the pattern
Where do you show up authentically? Where do you armor up? What's the difference? Usually it's about perceived safety and control.

Befriend the protector
That part trying to keep you safe isn't the enemy. Thank it. Reassure it. Then gently choose to show up differently.

Practice micro-vulnerabilities
You don't have to bare your whole soul at once. Share one less polished, more uncertain thing. Notice you survive. Build from there.

Get support
This work is hard to do alone because the ego is SO sneaky. We need mirrors, witnesses, people who can lovingly call us out when we're playing small while thinking we're being brave. Consider the Evolution Monthly Membership program for more support!

The Path to Show Up More Fully and Authentically

If you're recognizing yourself in this—if you're catching the ways your ego keeps you playing small even after all the work you've done—here are two resources I've created that help with this exact work:

The Whole Soul Way™ Program

The foundational course (available free on my ELATE podcast on YouTube and podcast channels) teaches you how to work with these protective parts, understand why they show up, and gently shift the patterns that keep you hidden.

You'll learn:

• How to recognize when fear is masquerading as wisdom

• How to dialogue with the parts that want to keep you safe

• How to build the inner safety that allows you to be seen fully

• How to catch the ego's tricks in real-time

Watch on YouTube
Listen on Apple
Listen on Spotify

Evolution Monthly Membership

This is where you can get the support for ongoing practice. Because here's the thing...you can't "fix" this once and be done. The ego will keep finding new ways to keep you small as you grow into new levels of visibility.

In Evolution, we create a safe container where you can practice showing up fully—not sure, tender, still-figuring-it-out, with needs—and be witnessed with compassion. Monthly calls, ongoing support, and a community of women catching their own trickster egos together.

It's the accountability and mirror we all need to keep choosing courage over comfort.

Learn more about Evolution here

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 Where do you catch yourself putting on the 'knowing' mask or the "having it all together" mask? When you actually wish you could just be honest or let someone else take the lead. Share in the comments below.