You used to like his affection—now you cringe. You think something's wrong with you or the marriage. But really, what's happening is that you've grown safe enough to finally tune into your body and discover your "no." This isn't a problem. It's growth. And reclaiming your body as yours is the first step to real intimacy.
He grabs your butt when he walks by the kitchen counter.
He pulls you in for a kiss when you're trying to get out the door.
He comes up behind you while you're doing dishes and wraps his arms around you, nuzzling your neck.
And you cringe.
Not dramatically. Not visibly. But inside, you feel it—that tiny contraction, that subtle pulling away, that familiar tension in your body that says not now, not like this.
But you don't say anything. You tolerate it. You might even force a smile.
Because this is just how it is, right?
This is what long-term marriage looks like. This is how guys are.
And you don't want to be mean. You don't want to hurt his feelings. You don't want to be that woman who rejects her husband's affection.
So you let it happen.
But deep down, you know something's off.
You feel it in the way you stiffen when he touches you without asking.
You feel it in the resentment that builds when he helps himself to your body like it belongs to him.
You feel it in the anger that leaks out sideways—the sarcasm, the coldness, the way you pull away later when he wants more.
You're abandoning yourself. And you know it.
But what are you supposed to do?
What's Wrong With Me?
What makes it even more confusing is that you used to like it.
Early in your relationship—maybe even a few years ago—you liked when he grabbed you.
You liked the spontaneous kisses. You liked feeling desired.
So now you're asking yourself, "What's wrong with me?
Why don't I want this anymore? I SHOULD like this. I SHOULD want his affection.
Am I not attracted to him anymore? Is something wrong with our marriage? With me? With him?"
And it starts to spiral.
You question if you've lost your libido through menopause. You wonder if you've fallen out of love. You think maybe you're broken, or frigid, or asking for too much.
You turn it into something bigger than it is—because you don't have language for what's actually happening.
There's nothing is wrong with you. You've just grown.
Here's the crazy paradox:
The safer you feel in your marriage, the more likely you are to find the part of you that wants to say NO.
It's true and you're not alone in this.
You'd think that feeling safe would make you MORE open to his affection, right?
And eventually, it might.
But right now, you first have to find your NO.
You have to tune into your preferences. You have to have space to discover what you like and what you don't. You have to reclaim yourself.
The good news is that you're here because you've healed enough and your marriage is safe enough for you to take this next step.
How You Got Here
Let's talk about what's actually happening.
For years, you couldn't tune into your own body.
You were conditioned to center yourself around him. To believe that your body was for his pleasure. To override your own signals in service of keeping him happy.
You didn't have ACCESS to your "no" because it wasn't safe to say it.
Maybe early in your relationship, you were still performing.
You were still trying to be the "cool girl" who loved his attention, who was always available, who never said no.
Maybe you genuinely DID like it back then—but you also didn't know any different.
You hadn't done the work yet. You were still disconnected from your body.
But now? You've done years of inner work.
You've healed many childhood wounds. You've regulated your nervous system. You've learned to tune into your body.
And now your body is TELLING you something.
It's saying: I don't want to be touched without being asked.
It's saying: I need consent.
It's saying: I'm not available on demand anymore.
That's not a problem. That's GROWTH.
But it also might feel confusing.
You're safe enough in your marriage to start saying no—but you're NOT safe in your BODY yet.
You're not safe with unwanted touch.
You're not safe with an unconscious man who grabs you according to HIS preferences but is completely misattuned to how YOU feel and what YOU want.
And part of this misattunement is because YOU have been misattuned to yourself.
You never could tune in. You were conditioned not to.
So of course he doesn't know what you want. You don't even know what you want yet.
What You Need
You're in the phase where you're ready to start discovering what you actually want—but you need SPACE to do that.
You need:
- Him to stop touching you without asking
- Time to reconnect with your body
- Permission to say "no" without guilt (you will have to give yourself this permission)
- Freedom to explore what actually feels good to YOU
This isn't about rejecting him.
This is about reclaiming yourself.
And once you've done that—once you've reconnected with your body, once you know what you want, once your "yes" is real again—THEN you can build real intimacy.
But you can't skip this step.
You can't go from, "I've been abandoning myself for years" to "spontaneous affection feels good" without first reclaiming your body as yours.
What's Actually Happening With Him
Let's get clear on what's happening with him.
When he touches you without asking, without checking if you're receptive, without noticing if you actually want it—he's not being intentionally selfish or malicious.
He genuinely believes you want this.
He's been conditioned—just like you have—to believe that:
- Husbands have unfettered access to their wives' bodies
- Affection should be spontaneous (which means: on his timeline, when he feels like it)
- If he wants it, you must want it, too
- Wives want to be pursued, grabbed, desired
- Your body is part of the marriage
He doesn't even consider what you want. Because he's been trained not to.
Or more accurately: He's been trained to believe that what HE wants MUST BE what YOU want.
That's how distorted this system is.
So when he grabs you in the kitchen, he's not thinking I wonder if she wants this right now.
He's thinking I want to connect with my wife or I feel affectionate or even This is what loving husbands do.
He genuinely doesn't know he's using you.
Because in his mind, you're his wife.
You love him.
Of course you want his affection.
And you've been conditioned to believe the same thing.
You've been trained to think:
- A good wife is available for her husband
- Saying no is mean or withholding (bad wife)
- Your body exists for his pleasure
- You should be grateful he still wants you
- Something's wrong with you if you don't want his affection
- His desire for affection should be enough reason to say yes
So you both participate in a system neither of you created—and neither of you can see clearly.
This is why it's so hard to unhook from.
You're not just changing YOUR behavior. Or HIS behavior.
You're disrupting a system you've both been conditioned into.
He wants affection the way a kid wants candy:
- He has an urge
- He reaches for it
- He takes it
- He feels better
But he doesn't realize that's what he's doing.
He thinks he's being loving.
Connecting.
Showing affection.
And YOU think you should want it.
So you override your body and let it happen.
You're both operating from conditioning—not consciousness.
And that conditioning runs DEEP.
This is the water you've both been swimming in.
So when you start saying, "I need you to ask before you touch me," it feels like you're pulling the rug out from under him.
Because you are.
You're changing the rules he didn't even know existed (frankly even YOU probably didn't know existed).
And that's uncomfortable for both of you.
But here's the truth...
→ You can't build real intimacy on top of conditioning.
→ You can't have mutual desire when only one person's desire matters.
→ You can't have spontaneity when it requires one person to abandon themselves.
Both of you have to unhook from the system you were raised in.
And that starts with consent.
What About Spontaneity?
I know what you're thinking.
"If he has to ASK before he touches me, won't that ruin the romance? Won't that kill the spontaneity?"
And maybe he's already said this to you:
"So now I'm not allowed to touch my own wife?"
"This is going to make everything so awkward."
"You're taking all the fun out of it."
Here's what I want you to understand....
(I know this might come off harsh and I don't mean it to be. I'm trying to help to illuminate that he may not be doing this on purpose, but we have to be aware of the way it unfolds so we can break free from it)
His "spontaneity" requires your subjugation.
For him to have "spontaneous" affection whenever he wants it, YOU have to:
- Always be available
- Always say yes
- Never have needs that conflict with his
- Suppress your "no"
- Override your body's signals
His spontaneity = Your self-abandonment.
That's not romance.
That's not intimacy.
That's him using your body without your consent—and calling it love.
Real spontaneity can ONLY exist when there's consent and attunement.
Right now, there is no spontaneity in your marriage.
There's just him taking and you tolerating.
Real spontaneity looks like this:
- He reaches for you AND you're already leaning in
- You both feel the pull at the same time
- There's a mutual "yes" that doesn't need words because you're BOTH tuned in to each other
But that can only happen when:
- You're not in survival mode around his touch
- You trust he won't violate your boundaries
- You're actually tuned into your own desires (not just tolerating his)
- He's tuned into YOU—not just his own urges
Right now, he's not tuned into you.
He's tuned into himself.
He touches you when HE wants affection.
He kisses you when HE feels like it.
He takes from you when HE needs soothing.
And he calls it "spontaneity" because he doesn't want to think about whether you actually want it.
Asking doesn't ruin spontaneity. It creates the CONDITIONS for it.
When he asks "Can I kiss you?" or "Do you want a hug?" or "Is now a good time for affection?"—here's what happens:
You get a moment to check in with your body:
- Do I want this right now?
- Does this feel good?
- Am I saying yes because I want to, or because I feel obligated?
You get to practice your "yes" AND your "no."
And over time, something shifts:
Your "yes" becomes real.
When you're only saying yes when you actually WANT it, the affection becomes genuine.
It's not you tolerating his touch. It's you CHOOSING to connect.
And that's what real intimacy is—two people choosing each other, not one person taking from the other.
And eventually, he starts to attune.
When he has to ask, he starts paying attention to:
- Your body language
- Your energy
- Whether you're receptive
- Whether you're actually enjoying it
He stops using you as an emotional fix and starts connecting with you as a person.
And THAT'S when real spontaneity becomes possible.
Not because he can grab you whenever he wants.
But because you're both so attuned to each other.
What You Can Do
If you're reading this and thinking, "This is me. I've been abandoning myself. But I don't know how to stop"—here's where to start:
1. Discuss This With Him
Discuss what you've been feeling, how we've been conditioned, and why you think this is necessary for the future of your marriage. Give him a little time to absorb it.
2. Require Consent.
In another conversation, tell him, "I need you to ask before you touch me or kiss me. I know it feels strange, but I need to rebuild my 'yes' before spontaneity can feel good again."
He might resist. He might say it's awkward or kills the mood.
Let him be uncomfortable.
This is about reclaiming your body as yours.
3. Reconnect with your body.
Start paying attention to what you actually want:
- Do I want a hug right now? Or do I need space?
- Does this kind of touch feel good? Or does it feel draining?
- Am I saying yes because I want to, or because I feel guilty?
Your body knows. You just have to start listening.
4. Practice saying "no" (and "not now").
"Not right now, I need some space."
"I'm not in the mood for a kiss, but I'd love to sit next to you."
"I don't want a butt grab—but I'd love it if you held my hand."
Your "no" is just as important as your "yes."
And when you can say both freely, you'll finally know what you actually want.
5. Stop apologizing for your boundaries.
You don't owe him an apology for reclaiming your body.
You don't owe him an explanation for needing consent.
Your body is yours. And he needs to respect that.
With that said, keeping the lines of communication and being open to discussions about what you're doing together could help. You don't have to just be cold and harsh, you can do this with warmth and sensitivity. This not a "YOU" issue, this is a relational issue. So keep talking!
6. Trust that real intimacy requires mutuality.
This might feel hard at first.
It might create tension.
He might push back.
But if you want a marriage where you're truly seen, truly desired, truly met—this is the path.
With both of you choosing each other—freely, fully, with consent.
NOTE: He will slip back. He will touch you without consent. Cut him some slack, it's been many years of him doing this.
Also, remain tenacious, persistent, and committed to your own bodily autonomy.
The Truth About You Reclaiming Your Body As Yours
You can do all the therapy, all the shadow work, all the inner healing—but if you're still letting him use your body without consent, you're still hiding.
Reclaiming your body as yours means saying:
- "You don't get to touch me without asking."
- "My body is mine—not yours."
- "I can no longer abandon myself to keep you comfortable."
It means letting him be uncomfortable while you remember your worth.
And yes, it's hard.
It requires you to:
- Tolerate conflict
- Risk being called "difficult"
- Hold your boundary even when he pushes back
- Trust that you deserve to be respected in this way
You deserve to be asked.
You deserve to have your body treated as yours.
You deserve affection that's mutual—not expected.
And you don't have to keep abandoning yourself to keep the peace.
Building the Inner Safety to Do This Work
This work—reclaiming your body, setting boundaries, emerging from hiding—requires something most women haven't been taught:
Inner safety.
The kind of safety that comes from:
- Reparenting your inner child who learned to abandon herself to keep the peace
- Healing the parts of you that believe you don't deserve to take up space
- Regulating your nervous system so you can tolerate his discomfort without collapsing
- Finding the strength and courage to hold your boundary even when he pushes back
You can't get there from a dysregulated nervous system. You can't set boundaries from an unhealed inner child. You can't reclaim yourself without first building the foundation of inner safety.
That's why I created The Whole Soul Way™—a complete methodology for building inner safety, reparenting your inner child, and finding the strength to emerge.
And it's available to you completely free.
Watch all 40 lessons on:
Start with the foundation. Build your inner safety. Regulate your nervous system. Reparent your inner child.
Then bravely show up in your marriage.
You don't have to do this alone.
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