Shadow work uses your judgments as mirrors to reveal hidden parts of yourself. Learn how projection works, why you judge others, and how shadow integration leads to wholeness and self-acceptance.

Your judgments aren't your enemy – in fact, they can be your guide to wholeness.

When you reflexively recoil at being called "selfish" or "lazy" or "disrespectful," you're not just protecting your self-image; you're revealing the doorway to the parts of yourself you've worked hardest to exile and disown.

Those moments when you find yourself feeling annoyed by or harshly judging others are actually sacred invitations to healing – each judgment a signpost pointing toward your own unintegrated shadows ("the me that I don't want you to see").

And walking through those doorways might be exactly what your soul needs to feel truly whole.

What Is Shadow Work? Understanding Your Hidden Self

Before we go deeper, let's clarify what shadow work actually means.

Shadow work is the practice of bringing unconscious parts of yourself—the traits, emotions, and impulses you've rejected or hidden—back into conscious awareness so you can integrate them and become whole.

The term comes from psychologist Carl Jung, who described the "shadow" as the part of our psyche that contains everything we've deemed unacceptable about ourselves and pushed into the unconscious mind.

Here's how it works:

When you were young, you learned which parts of yourself were acceptable (praised, rewarded, celebrated) and which were unacceptable (punished, shamed, rejected).

To survive and be loved, you exiled the "bad" parts into your unconscious—what Jung called your shadow.

But those parts didn't disappear. They just went underground.

And now, they show up through psychological projection—the unconscious mechanism where you see your own disowned traits reflected in other people.

This is why shadow integration work is so powerful: it uses your judgments of others as a mirror to reveal what you've been hiding from yourself.

As the saying goes: "You spot it, you got it."

When you point one finger at another, three fingers point back at you.

Your judgments reveal more about you than about the person you're judging.

We all do it. It's part of the human condition.

And when we learn this concept through shadow work, it can be liberating.

The Mirror That Makes Us Squirm

Most women I work with have a visceral reaction to certain labels. They abhor the thought of being called selfish. Or lazy. Or disrespectful. The mere suggestion makes their skin crawl.

I know that feeling intimately.

The discomfort.
The instinctive rejection.
The internal voice saying, "That's not me. I would never be that way."

And then comes that uncomfortable moment in The Whole Soul Way™ program when we explore the "Cherished Self" concept and confront a profound truth: what we find most repulsive, annoying, or irritating in others is a reflection of something within us – something we've pushed deep into our unconscious mind, the thoughts beneath our awareness.

This what we can call "our shadow."

And then, unconsciously, we project these things—our own negative (or even positive) traits, emotions, flaws, or impulses, for example—onto others in order not to have to face them within ourselves.

And they reflect it back to us through their behaviors.

I often say that this is a part of you with which you have an unresolved and unexamined relationship.

It's not that you necessarily want to become this trait or act out these impulses or emotions, but rather that your life will improve when you stop rejecting these parts.

Why Shadow Integration Is Essential for Self-Love and Wholeness

I promise you, I wouldn't invite you to this challenging inner exploration if it weren't absolutely vital to your journey toward self-love, connection with others, and feeling at home in your own being.

Think of it this way – each time you reject an aspect of yourself, you're unconsciously repeating the wounds of rejection you've experienced throughout your life. Other people rejected parts of you, and you learned to do this to yourself as well.

Like tending to a garden while simultaneously pulling up certain flowers because someone once told you they were weeds.

It was bad enough that you had to experience this rejection as a child, but you don’t have to keep perpetuating this harm on yourself.

To truly love ourselves through shadow work and inner child healing, we must learn to welcome even the parts we fear are unlovable.

Rather than rigidly reject those parts we learned are "unacceptable," it's time to open up to a more nuanced and expansive relationship with these aspects of humanity.

And break the pattern of self-abandonment and self-rejection.

My Own Journey with Projection: A Real Shadow Work Example

As Brené Brown beautifully articulates: "Research tells us that we judge people in areas where we're vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing worse than we're doing. If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people's choices... We're hard on each other because we're using each other as a launching pad out of our own perceived shaming deficiency."

I remember sitting in therapy with my husband, bringing up my judgment about him being materialistic.

Our therapist didn't teach us how to communicate better about my judgment or tell him to stop being so materialistic. Instead, she did something far more healing – she invited me to meet the materialistic part in me.

"What? In ME? Nah, I'm not materialistic!"

Once I got over my initial resistance, what I discovered surprised me.

I had internalized messages when I was young that wanting things was bad. And that I should be happy with what I have. Which led to shame for 'wanting.'

And fear that others would label me as greedy or materialistic.

This meant that it felt scary and threatening for my husband to be materialistic. What will others think? What if people don't like us?

It touched on my shame, which was too painful to bear.

So I unconsciously projected onto him - "shame on him for being materialistic" - so I didn't have to feel it within me.

However, as I felt these feelings and reparented my inner child, I began to heal.

And I realized that this "materialistic part" wasn't some monstrous character trait.

And wanting things isn't inherently bad.

Perhaps there are times when I can be a bit materialistic, right alongside the reality that I'm also generous and very careful in how I spend my money.

All are true.

And, despite my unconscious fears about exploring this "bad" aspect, I didn't become materialistic by acknowledging it.

As a matter of fact, once I stopped rigidly rejecting this aspect within myself through shadow integration, I was able to see that my husband wasn't nearly as materialistic as I had initially labeled him to be.

There I was, seeing my own disowned trait in my husband in exaggerated form.

Projection.

It's been said that we must "eat our projections." To look deeply within ourselves to find where the qualities we see "out there" live inside ourselves.

Eating our projections through shadow work makes us more whole. One bite at a time.

Yum!

Why I Now Welcome Judgment as a Shadow Work Tool

This is precisely why I've come to love projection and welcome judging.

Each judgment offers us a window into our unconscious, showing us the parts of ourselves we've deemed unacceptable and pushed into the shadows.

Projection allows us to see the parts of ourselves that we fear are unlovable and unacceptable, which have been banished into our unconscious mind—into the shadows of our psyche.

Shadow Integration Work (the intentional act of using our judgments (projections) to uncover the parts of ourselves we've hidden in the shadows of our mind) is the most efficient and effective way to access what's in our unconscious mind.

Perhaps it's the ONLY way to see these parts of us clearly—by projecting onto others, seeing ourselves in the mirror of those around us.

And when we turn away, refusing to see our shadow, keeping it in the darkness, it haunts us and comes out in the most surprising ways.

As the wise Carl Jung once said, "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."

When we understand this, we can stop judging ourselves for judging and instead harness its power for emotional healing and self-acceptance.

And, we can release the energy we use trying to suppress parts and the suffering caused by believing our judgments.

Instead, we become consciously aware of our judgments and why we judge, which means we create the internal capacity to CHOOSE how we act in the world (rather than our trickster unconscious mind pulling our strings behind the scenes).

How to Do Shadow Work: Finding Freedom in the Drop

In The Whole Soul Way™ Program, I teach about allowing a "drop" of that characteristic you've been avoiding—one of my favorite shadow work exercises for beginners.

If you're always selfless, perhaps a drop of selfishness will help you set a boundary or stand up for yourself.

If you're always busy, perhaps a drop of laziness will allow you to enjoy an unproductive Sunday that nourishes your soul in ways nothing else could.

For me, integrating a small measure of materialism has given me space to appreciate little indulgences without guilt.

The Delicious Middle Space: What Shadow Integration Creates

What's truly remarkable about shadow integration is discovering that delicious middle space where we don't need to deny anything, nor do we have to become anything.

We free up the enormous energy that was spent on rigidly NOT being something.

And in that liberation, we find the sweet spot called wholeness – a state so fulfilling it transforms how we experience both ourselves and others.

As shadow work pioneer Debbie Ford wrote, "Embracing our dark side gives us a newfound freedom to be with the darkness in others. For when I can love all of me, I will love all of you."

And, in fact, there is something called the "Golden Shadow" where we also discover that in our "shadow" also reside parts of ourselves that we've disowned that are where our gifts lie, even our latent strengths.

Perhaps you were judged for being "too confident," so you downplayed your confidence. Or for not taking things seriously, so you stopped sharing your hilarious sense of humor.

Download my free "Shadow Work Starter Kit," where you can do the golden shadow exercise to discover YOUR golden shadows!

Shadow Work Practice: Your Invitation to Wholeness

Here's a simple practice to begin exploring your shadows:

Pick one judgment (something you're saying about another person or even yourself)

Ask yourself these revealing questions:

• How do I avoid being this way?

• How have I created my identity around not being this way?

• Why am I afraid of being perceived this way?

• How does being "not this way" limit my life?

• How does it limit me to hold up the persona of being the opposite?

• Even if I think it's wrong, what do people who are like this get more of?

• What would become possible if I allowed just a drop of this quality into my life?

Want to Learn More About Shadow Integration?

1. Read another similar blog post on The 5 Pillars of Gentle Shadow Integration

2. Download my free "Shadow Work Starter Kit" with the golden shadow exercise where you'll reveal new things about yourself and a guide and worksheets to explore what the shadow is and why shadow work is integral to your journey to be more authentic and love yourself

3. Watch my TikTok video about how the Golden Shadow gets formed

4. Watch my TikTok video about "disrespect" and how to work with this shadow

The Whole Soul Way: Your Complete Roadmap for Shadow Integration

If this introduction to shadow work resonates with you—if you recognize that you've been exiling parts of yourself to stay "acceptable"—The Whole Soul Way™ was created for exactly this journey.

This comprehensive foundational course (available free on my ELATE podcast on YouTube and podcast channels) guides you through 39 transformative lessons that include gentle shadow integration work alongside inner child healing and nervous system regulation.

You'll learn how to:

• Practice shadow work systematically using the Cherished Self concept and projection as your guide to wholeness

• Integrate disowned parts of yourself so you stop unconsciously projecting them onto others

• Heal the childhood wounds that taught you which parts were "acceptable" and which had to be hidden

• Work with your inner child to reparent the parts of you that learned to exile aspects of yourself for survival

• Develop self-acceptance and self-love by welcoming back all the parts you've been rejecting

• Stop the cycle of self-abandonment that happens every time you reject a part of yourself

• Create internal wholeness so you can show up authentically in all your relationships

This isn't about becoming someone new—it's about finally meeting all the parts of you that have been waiting to be acknowledged, accepted, and loved back into the light.

So much awaits you on this adventure of reclaiming your wholeness through shadow integration.

Start your journey here…

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What judgment keeps showing up for you? And what might it be revealing about a part of yourself that's ready to come home? Share in the comments below.