You've been reparenting your inner child, meeting her needs, validating her feelings—and you're STILL rejecting parts of yourself. Here's why: you're only loving the acceptable parts. The angry part? The selfish part? The needy part? You're doing to them exactly what your parents did—pushing them away. Inner child work without shadow integration just continues the cycle of self-rejection with a gentler voice.
You've been doing a lot of inner work.
You've learned about inner child reparenting. You put your hand on your heart and speak lovingly to your younger self. You validate her feelings. You meet her needs. You tell her she's worthy and loved.
And it helps. It really does.
But if you're honest, there's still something missing.
You still feel fragmented, incomplete.
Like you're loving SOME of yourself but not all of yourself.
And you're right.
Because you're only reparenting the acceptable parts.
The Parts You're Still Rejecting
Think about which parts of your inner child you're actually tending to:
The sad little girl who needed comfort? Yes, you're there for her.
The scared little girl who needed safety? Absolutely, you're meeting that need.
The lonely little girl who needed connection? You're working on that.
But what about:
- The angry little girl who wanted to scream and break things?
- The selfish little girl who wanted it ALL for herself?
- The mean little girl who wanted to hurt people back?
- The manipulative little girl who learned to get what she needed through control?
- The needy little girl who wanted constant attention?
- The lazy little girl who just wanted to play with her toys?
Where are THOSE parts in your inner child work?
Most likely, you're still doing to them exactly what your parents did...
Rejecting them.
Trying to fix and improve them.
How Self-Rejection Begins
When you were little, as part of the ways that your parents (often unconsciously) conditioned you, you learned quickly which parts of you were acceptable and which parts weren't.
Maybe anger got you sent to your room.
Maybe neediness got you called "clingy" or "too much."
Maybe selfishness got you shamed for being "spoiled."
Maybe your sadness was met with "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about."
So you rejected those parts of yourself so that YOU—the whole child—wouldn't be rejected.
You split yourself in two:
1 - the acceptable parts you could show, and
2 - the unacceptable parts you had to hide.
This was survival. This was smart. This kept you safe and connected to the people you depended on.
But you're not a dependent child anymore.
You're more powerful than you've probably even acknowledge to yourself.
The Problem is That You're Still Rejecting Those Parts
Now you're an adult doing inner child work, and what are you doing?
You're reparenting the parts your parents accepted.
The sad part? "I see you, sweet girl, it's okay to be sad."
The scared part? "You're safe now, I've got you."
But the angry part? You're still telling her to calm down, be reasonable, not make a scene.
The selfish part? You're still shaming her for wanting too much, for not thinking of others.
The needy part? You're still telling her that her needs are too much and to not be a burden.
You've just become a gentler version of the parent who rejected those parts in the first place.
And then you wonder why you still feel unhealed, why the inner child work isn't creating the wholeness you were promised.
Why many of your patterns are still playing out in ways you thought––for sure with inner child work––would resolve.
It's because you're perpetuating the self-rejection that fragmented you in the first place.
This Is Where Shadow Work Comes In
Shadow work is the practice of reclaiming the parts of yourself you learned to reject.
Not just understanding them. Not just acknowledging they exist.
Actually befriending them. Integrating them. Loving them.
Because the truth is that those rejected parts are ALSO your inner child.
That angry little girl? She's part of your inner child.
That selfish little girl? She's part of your inner child.
That manipulative little girl? She's part of your inner child.
And until you bring those parts out of the shadow and into the light of your compassion, you'll continue to reject yourself.
You'll just be doing it with prettier language and more mindfulness.
What Integration Actually Looks Like
Let's get concrete. Here's what it looks like to do inner child work WITH shadow integration:
Without shadow integration:
"I see you're angry, sweetie, but let's take some deep breaths and calm down. Anger isn't helpful."
With shadow integration:
"I see you're angry, and that makes sense. You had every right to be angry. Let's listen to what that anger is protecting. What do you need? It's okay to be angry. I'm not going to abandon you for feeling this."
Without shadow integration:
"I know you want attention, but other people have needs too."
With shadow integration:
"You're allowed to want attention. You're allowed to want to be seen and held. There's nothing wrong with being needy—that's just having needs, and all humans have needs. I'm here. I see you and can hold you. You're not too much."
Without shadow integration:
"I understand you wanted to be selfish sometimes, but we need to think of others. Let's practice being more generous."
With shadow integration:
"You're allowed to want things for yourself. You're allowed to prioritize your own needs. Selfishness is how we better understand what we need and want. I'll help you find balance, but I'm not going to shame you for wanting."
See the difference?
In the first version, you're still rejecting the shadow. You're acknowledging it exists, then trying to fix it, manage it, make it more acceptable.
In the second version, you're actually accepting it. Loving it. Integrating it as a valid part of who you are.
Why This Matters (Beyond Just Feeling Whole)
When you continue rejecting parts of yourself, here's what happens:
They leak out unconsciously.
That anger you're rejecting? It comes out as passive aggression, resentment, or sudden explosions.
That neediness you're rejecting? It comes out as people-pleasing, over-giving, or codependency.
That selfishness you're rejecting? It comes out as martyrdom, burnout, or bitter scorekeeping.
You project them onto others.
The parts you can't accept in yourself become the parts you judge harshly in others. You become intolerant, critical, and self-righteous about the very things you're suppressing.
You stay fragmented.
You can't feel whole when you're actively rejecting parts of yourself. You'll always feel like something's missing—because it is. The rejected parts are still there, just pushed into the darkness.
You can't show up authentically.
If you're only bringing the "acceptable" parts of yourself into relationships, you're not actually being authentic. You're performing a curated version of yourself and wondering why you feel lonely despite being "vulnerable."
The Path Forward: Inner Child Work + Shadow Integration
True wholeness requires BOTH:
Inner child reparenting - going back to heal the wounds, meet the needs, provide the love and safety that was missing
Shadow integration - reclaiming ALL the parts you rejected in order to survive, including the ones that still feel scary or wrong
You can't do one without the other and expect to feel whole.
Inner child work alone keeps you rejecting the "bad" parts.
Shadow work alone doesn't heal the original wounds.
Together, they create the wholeness you're actually seeking.
And that's what we do in The Whole Soul Way™ Program.
How to Start Integrating Your Shadow
If you're realizing you've been doing inner child work while still rejecting your shadow parts, here's where to start:
1. Get honest about which parts you're still rejecting
Make a list of the qualities, emotions, or behaviors you consider "unacceptable" in yourself. The ones you'd be mortified for others to see. The ones you work hard to suppress or control.
Those are your shadows.
2. Recognize those are ALSO inner child parts
That angry part? There's a little girl in there who needed her anger to protect her.
That selfish part? There's a little girl in there who didn't get her needs met.
That manipulative part? There's a little girl in there who learned that's how you survive.
3. Approach them with curiosity, not judgment
Instead of "I need to get rid of this part," try "I wonder what this part was protecting? I wonder what she needed that she didn't get?"
4. Practice acceptance, not management
The goal isn't to make the shadow parts acceptable. It's to accept them AS THEY ARE. To recognize they're part of you, they served a purpose, and they deserve love—not fixing.
Go Deeper: Resources for Shadow Integration
Ready to stop rejecting yourself and start integrating your whole self—shadows and all?
Read here: How to Befriend Your Dark Side: 5 Pillars of Gentle Shadow Integration
This companion post gives you the complete framework for doing shadow work with self-compassion instead of self-judgment. You'll learn the exact practices for befriending your rejected parts without making yourself wrong for being human.
📥 Download the Shadow Work Starter Kit—includes the Golden Shadow exercise, worksheets, and a guide to understanding what shadow work is and why it matters
Listen to or Watch The Whole Soul Way™ Foundational Course Lessons
The foundational course (available free on my ELATE podcast on YouTube and podcast channels) teaches the complete framework for BOTH inner child reparenting AND shadow integration—so you can finally feel whole instead of fractured.
You'll learn:
- How to identify which parts you're still rejecting (even in your inner child work)
- How to reparent ALL your inner child parts—not just the acceptable ones
- How to integrate shadow without shame or self-judgment
- How to bring your whole self into relationships instead of just the curated version
Start your journey here…
Watch on YouTube
Listen on Apple
Listen on Spotify
Evolution Monthly Membership
Inner child work + shadow integration isn't a one-time fix. New layers emerge. Old patterns resurface. You need ongoing practice and support. In Evolution, we work with BOTH inner child parts and shadow parts together—helping you see where you're still rejecting yourself, witnessing you as you practice acceptance, and supporting you as you integrate into wholeness.
Comment below: Which shadow part have you been rejecting in your inner child work? The angry one? The selfish one? The needy one? I'd love to hear what you're discovering.
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