You're not worrying too much—you're not worrying enough. Learn the 3-step method to complete your worry cycle and find confidence. Backed by science.

You're lying awake at 3am. Your mind is spinning through everything that could go wrong - your kid's screen time, that work presentation, the way your friend looked at you today. You know worrying doesn't help. You've told yourself to stop a thousand times. But your brain won't listen.

Most people will tell you: "You're not worrying too much."

I say: "You're not worrying enough."

Stay with me.

The Problem Isn't That You Worry - It's That You're an Incomplete Worrier

Most of us stop worrying too early. We get stuck halfway through, playing the same fear-tape on repeat, forming grooves in our brains that turn worry into habit.

We never bring the situation into full consciousness, so we stay run by unconscious, irrational fears.

What if the solution isn't to stop worrying, but to finish worrying?

To worry effectively - to worry through the fear and into confidence.

"Worry is a misuse of the imagination." ~ Dan Zadra

Let me show you what I mean.

Why Your Brain Keeps You Stuck in Incomplete Worry

Your teenager is glued to their iPhone. A thought flashes: This is going to be a problem.

Your imagination takes off. You project into the future.

By the time you're done, you've created an elaborate story where their life is completely ruined by that device. You believe your story - it feels true and inevitable.

This is "future catastrophizing" - and it's actually an adaptive survival mechanism. Our brains are wired to anticipate danger to keep us and our loved ones alive. When used well, worry solves problems.

 Future catastrophizing is a cognitive distortion where you imagine the worst possible outcome of a situation and become convinced it will happen, even when there's little or no evidence to support that belief.

But here's where we go wrong: We stop at the scary story.

We stew in that uncomfortable fear, so our mind scrambles for control:

"If I just create more after-school activities... If I establish stricter rules... If I lecture them about risks... If I make family dinners mandatory..."

All good ideas. But nothing guarantees the outcome you want. Your teenager is in control of their own life now.

You're mostly putting a bandaid on the boo-boo in your heart - masking uncomfortable feelings with the illusion of control.

And, you're still stuck in fear.

Research shows that 85% of what we worry about never happens. But that doesn't stop us from suffering over imagined futures.

The 3-Step Method to Complete Your Worry Cycle

Here's how to worry better, how to move through fear and land in more clarity and confidence.

I used to be a chronic worrywart. Always worrying and what-iffing about everything. And it made me a bit of a control freak. It also stole so much of my life - my peace, my joy, my ability to be fully present.

For many years, I worried constantly that I wasn't a good enough mom - that they were watching too much TV, playing too many video games, that I wasn't spending enough quality time with them, that I should be doing more of what so-and-so was doing. I'd spin stories about how this would negatively affect them and put so much pressure on myself to do more and do better.

And beneath all that worry about never being enough? There was a deeper worry that their decisions might mess up their lives - and I wouldn't be able to fix it.

The chronic worrying and spiraling into fear and control-mode wasn't helping at all.

It was disrupting my sleep, making me miserable, and keeping me from being present with my kids. The irony! The EXACT THING I wanted...to be more present with them––and my incessant worrying about NOT being a good enough mom was stealing it from me.

Over the years, I had to learn to play things out. To realize I wouldn't be perfect. That I was doing the best I could. That even if I made mistakes that led to them struggling somehow, we could handle it then. I discovered that I make pretty good decisions. And that I can trust myself.

Learning to worry better changed everything.

This method is what got me through. 

Step 1: Feel the Fear Fully (Don't Run From It)

Your limbic brain is convinced you - or someone you love - will be abandoned, rejected, or die. That's what all fear boils down to.

Let yourself feel it. Lean into the fear instead of resisting it.

Don't think about it.
Don't analyze it.
Don't try to fix it.
Just feel it.

Notice where it lives in your body. The tightness in your chest. The pit in your stomach. The tension in your shoulders. The lump in your throat.

Stay there. Breathe into it.

Now place your hand on your heart. Keep breathing. Speak to yourself with tenderness: "No one's going to die. It's going to be okay. We can handle anything."

That's it. Just feel. Just soothe. Just be with yourself in the fear.

From Fear Mode to Problem-Solving Mode

Here's what just happened: You didn't run from the fear. You didn't try to think your way out of it. You felt it in your body and soothed yourself like you would a scared child.

This is the key that unlocks everything else.

When you're frozen in catastrophic thinking, your amygdala hijacks your prefrontal cortex - your problem-solving brain goes offline. You're in survival mode, not solution mode.

But once you feel the fear and remind yourself you're safe, your rational brain comes back online.

Suddenly you can think clearly. You can see options. You can get creative. You can actually address the real issue instead of spinning in imaginary worst-case scenarios.

This is why incomplete worrying keeps you stuck - and complete worrying sets you free to take action.

Now that you've felt the fear and your thinking brain is back online, you might still be thinking, "but what if..."

Great, it means you're ready for Step 2.

Step 2: Play Out the Scary Story (All the Way Through)

This is where most people stop too early.

You need to follow the worry to its conclusion.

Play out those "what if" thoughts. 

Ask yourself: "And then what would happen?"

Keep asking until you reach the end. The real end. Not the catastrophic freeze-frame your brain wants to fixate on - the part where you discover you'd actually handle it. 

You might not like it. You might even feel devastated by the prospect of it. But you COULD actually handle it.

Now poke holes in the story by asking:

"What's the actual likelihood of this scenario?"

"What hard things have I already survived?"

This is where you gather your evidence.

Here's what's REAL and TRUE: You've already handled everything life has thrown at you so far. You're still here. You've survived 100% of your worst days.

Remember that relationship that ended? You survived it.

That job you lost? You found another path.

That health crisis? You got through it.

That financial disaster? You rebuilt.

That time your kid was going through a really hard time? You showed up and figured it out together.

What's real is your track record of resilience.

What's invented is your imagination awfulizing about a future that hasn't happened yet.

Your worry is trying to protect you from something that might never occur - while ignoring the evidence that even when hard things DO happen, you handle them.

Keep asking:

• What creative solutions could I find if this really happened?
• Who would help us?
• What did I learn from past challenges that would help me now?
• What resources, skills, and strengths did I discover in myself when times were tough?
• What would a friend say about this situation?
• What good might be happening that I'm not seeing?
• How would we handle that situation... could we make it through? Would we be okay?

Let me show you with a simple example:

The Ignored Friend Scenario

You walk past a friend. You say hello. She doesn't respond - doesn't even look at you.

Worry story: She's mad at me. What did I do wrong? Is she going to abandon me?

Play it out: Even if she IS mad at you, you'll be okay. She probably won't abandon you. You could talk it out. But... what might you have done? Nothing comes to mind - you haven't even seen her in weeks.

And honestly? You've had friends upset with you before. You worked it out. You've also had friendships end - and you survived those too. Made new friends. Grew from the experience.

Maybe she didn't see or hear you. Maybe she's dealing with something hard. Maybe you've accidentally done this to others before.

The "lovely story": She was distracted and didn't notice you. This actually makes you concerned for her. You call to check if she's okay.

Feel the difference?

You moved from fear and shame to compassion and connection.

Step 3: Create a "Lovely Story" (The Most Likely Outcome)

If you're going to use your imagination to make up a story anyway, it might as well be a "lovely one."

Based on what you actually know about life - based on your real evidence of how things usually go - what's the most likely scenario? Perhaps the most generous one. The one that assumes the best.

Because what we resist persists and what we focus on grows.

Neuroscience confirms that our brains are wired to notice evidence that confirms our expectations - it's called confirmation bias.

You don't have control over outcomes. But you have influence over your focus.

"Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight." ~ Benjamin Franklin

Watch my video on YouTube about the Lovely Story.

A Real-World Example: The High School Drugs Worry

Your son's entering 9th grade. You're terrified he'll get into drugs, get addicted, never launch.

Step 1 - Feel the fear: Accept you're genuinely afraid. Hand on heart. Breathe into the fear. Feel it in your body. You love him so. much and want to protect him. Next, you can re-assure yourself, "This isn't real right now. He is okay. I am okay." 

Step 2 - Play it out: What if he does get into drugs? Then what happens? You'd come together as a family. Talk openly. Find counseling. 

What hard things have you already survived? Remember when he went through that difficult phase and you showed up? You found resources. You asked for help. You got through it together. You have a history of handling hard things.

Keep going - maybe you get creative with options. Gap year. Intensive program. You remember: I know how to research. I know how to advocate. I know how to ask for help. I've solved problems before. You handle it. You survive. Maybe you even grow closer through it.

Step 3 - The lovely story: "He experiments, learns hard lessons, graduates, goes to college, continues growing, becomes the man I always knew he would be." This is the most likely outcome based on actual statistics and what you know about his character.

What Changes When You Complete the Worry Cycle

By completing the worry cycle instead of staying stuck halfway through, you re-engage your problem-solving center.

You can think creatively and find actual solutions instead of just reacting in fear.

This is the basic premise behind mindfulness-based cognitive therapy, which has proven effectiveness for chronic worry and anxiety.

You move from paralysis to possibility.

From helpless to empowered.

The Bottom Line: Trust Yourself

You can handle anything. You already have.

This process isn't about pretending bad things won't happen. It's about remembering that even when hard things happen, you have the capacity to face them.

The evidence is in your past. Every challenge you've survived. Every problem you've solved. Every time you thought you couldn't do it - and then you did.

It shifts life from something to be afraid of into an adventure - one where you trust your own resilience because you've seen proof of it.

If you're going to worry anyway (and let's be honest, you probably are), why not learn to worry better?

Want to Go Deeper?

This worry-completion process is just one piece of learning to be more emotionally free. If you want more tools for moving through fear and into your wholeness, you may want to explore the The Whole Soul Way™ Foundations Course that's now available at no cost. It includes 40 lessons teaching a complete methodology for transforming from ego-led to soul-led living.

You'll learn:
- How to feel your feelings without being consumed by them
- Nervous system regulation practices
- Inner child reparenting
- Shadow work that heals rather than retraumatizes

Access The Whole Soul Way™ and begin your journey:

Watch on YouTube
Listen on Apple
Listen on Spotify

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Frequently Asked Questions

Isn't this just positive thinking?

No. Positive thinking bypasses reality and tries to force optimism. This process acknowledges the fear, honors it, gathers real evidence of your capacity, and then chooses to focus on what's most likely based on actual data. You're not denying that bad things could happen - you're remembering that you can handle them if they do.

What if my worry is about something really serious - like a health diagnosis or financial crisis?

The process still works. In fact, it's even more important when stakes are high. You need your problem-solving brain online, not your panic brain. Feeling the fear, gathering evidence of your resilience, and playing out how you'd actually handle it helps you move from paralysis to action. It doesn't minimize the seriousness - it helps you face it with your full capacity.

How long does this process take?

It varies. Sometimes you can move through all three steps in 10-15 minutes. Other times, especially with deeply rooted worries, you might need to come back to it multiple times. The key is that even one round through the cycle breaks the pattern of incomplete worrying.

What if I genuinely can't think of evidence that I've handled hard things?

Then we start smaller. Have you survived a bad day? A disappointment? A moment of embarrassment? A difficult conversation? These all count. You're also surviving RIGHT NOW - in this moment of worry, you're still breathing, still functioning. That's evidence. And if you truly can't find any evidence in your own life, borrow it from others, perhaps your ancestors - humans as a species are remarkably resilient.

Won't focusing on a "lovely story" make me unprepared if the bad thing actually happens?

Here's the paradox: when you complete the worry cycle - including playing out the scary scenario - you're MORE prepared, not less. You've already thought through how you'd handle it. You've accessed your problem-solving capacity. You've reminded yourself of your resilience. The lovely story isn't about being naive - it's about not suffering unnecessarily over the 85% of things that will never happen.

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Your Turn

Try this the next time you find yourself stuck in a worry loop:
1. Feel the fear - stay in your body
2. Play out the story AND gather your evidence - what hard things have you already handled?
3. Create a lovely alternative based on what's most likely

Then come back and tell me: What did you discover? Did you find your way through to confidence? I'd love to hear your experience in the comments below.

And if this resonates, share it with another chronic worrier who needs permission to finish worrying - and to trust their own proven resilience.