You learned a lie—that your worth and love is earned through achievement, productivity, or how much you give. The truth (that may be hard to believe) is that it’s actually inherent. And until you realize this truth deep in your bones, you'll keep hustling to prove yourself—exhausted, depleted, and still feeling empty inside.

Before 2010, I was a happy stay-at-home mom, planning playdates, caring for the home, and actively volunteering on the PTA and other committees at the kids' school.

Before having kids, I had a successful career as an IT Executive at a large healthcare system and was a determined go-getter.

I was busy, busy, busy. Never saying no, always available to help.

I prided myself on working hard, being reliable and dependable, and being capable of handling almost anything.

But in 2010, I began to notice, beneath my polished and do-it-all exterior, an ache—a yearning for something more—a whisper from my soul that said, "There must be more to life than this."

It felt like the "me" I knew myself to be was crumbling.

"Who is this person living this life?" some part of me asked myself one day while pacing on my back deck.

The rational and logical me was having difficulty figuring out what was happening inside me. Something was wrong, and I didn't know how to fix it.

The Download That Changed Everything

One day, while driving, I received two messages.

When I say received, I mean they popped into my head.

They felt "given" to me—like downloads—from God? My soul? The universe?

I don't know.

But they gave me the guidance I was looking for.

I knew this was not just a "thought" because I had never heard this concept and it was so foreign to me that I didn’t even understand it.

No, really, I had to Google it.

In this article, I'll talk about one of these messages:

"You need to realize you are loved for who you are, not what you do."

NOTE: The way it was phrased mattered—it wasn't that I AM loved for who I am (that was a given according to this message), but rather that I must do what I need to do to REALIZE it. To know it for myself.

My Resistance to This Truth

I was truly befuddled by this.

I found the idea quite offensive.

The idea that one was worthy and mattered simply because they existed:

• Felt like it negated the value of all I had accomplished. I didn't like the idea that someone who didn't work as hard as me could be seen as equally "good" and "valuable."

• Contradicted everything I knew—the deeply embedded idea that I was valued for what I do, what I offer others, how helpful I am, how I treat others, what I contribute, and even what others think of how "good" I was.

I worked so dang hard to do what was GOOD and RIGHT.

And I wanted credit for all of that!

The belief that we need to earn our value as human beings was programmed into my unconscious mind so deeply that I couldn't see it.

This was reality for me.

I didn't even think about the possibility that my worth was in question because I WAS productive. I DID contribute. I GAVE more than I took.

Or the flip side: I was NOT a burden and was NOT needy.

I was so good at hustling to prove my worth that I never noticed an inner pang of unworthiness.

But this little nugget: That I "might" be valued for who I am...

...worked me.

It started to crack me open a bit.

The Experiment

I like to prove things to myself, so I took it on as a challenge.

Truth was, I was a bit burnt out on all the volunteering I was doing so this was the perfect place to start.

And I didn't like the idea that people might ONLY like me because I do things for them and I became curious if people would like me for who I am.

I also noticed that my volunteering distracted me from my top priority: my kids.

So, I decided to practice saying no.

Well, that's not fully true. I was NOT good at saying no, so it started out more like this:

I wrote up a volunteering rubric: A note to myself that specified what type of volunteering I would say yes to (when it was time spent WITH my kids) and which I would say no to (activities that took me away from the kids).

And I started to say, "I'll get back to you."

I was a people-pleaser, so I didn't trust myself (yet) to make a good decision on the spot. This allowed me space to read my rubric and muster the courage to say no.

As you can imagine, as a people-pleaser, this poked at the part of me that worried people wouldn't like me if I didn't say yes. They wouldn't want to be my friend if I wasn't "adding value" to their lives.

(Is this unworthiness speaking?)

Much to my surprise, mostly, no one cared. They just moved on to the next possible volunteer on their list.

And my friends seemed to keep being my friends.

This was the beginning of the journey to believe DEEP IN MY BONES that I am loved for who I am, not what I do.

The Core Wound

Because the core wound that was being poked at was:

Do I believe I am inherently worthy?

Do I feel this way about myself?

Not "do other people deem me as worthy."

The healing was for ME to realize (come to see) that I love MYSELF for who I am, not what I do.

For me to realize that my life matters simply because I exist.

Not just existentially but personally.

You may think, "But in relationships, our behaviors—what we do and don't do—DO matter."

Yes. That's true.

AND...the core message here is that our inherent worth and lovability are about how WE FEEL about OURSELVES.

It doesn't mean we don't DO, GIVE, HELP, etc.

But where does it come from? What’s our motivation?

Are we hustling to prove our worth, believing others will no longer love us if we don't do XYZ?

Or are we coming from wholeness, giving and doing from an overflowing cup of self-love?

Make sense?

What I Want for You

What I deeply desire for YOU is that YOU realize just how much you matter.

In a world that celebrates outward success and productivity, you likely lost sight of this truth.

You came to question your worth and your value.

If you're feeling any sense of emptiness, yearning, or a longing for more, I urge you to consider the possibility that you've been depending on your outward success and all that you DO to avoid feeling your lack of self-worth.

And this isn't a sign of failure—it's actually quite a resourceful adaptation and has likely served you well in many ways. It's gotten you where you are today!

But if you want to live the next half of your life comfortable in your own skin, engaged in emotionally deep and fulfilling relationships, and true to yourself, it may be time to realize, for yourself, that you're loved for who you are, not (only) what you do.

This longing for "more" is a call to find more of yourself…to reclaim the parts you’ve left behind in a bid to please others and prove your worth. An invitation to embark on a journey of self-love, self-acceptance, self-expression, and authenticity.

The "more" you seek is to feel more connected to yourself and to prove you're worthy of your own care, love, acceptance, and attention.

Self-Love: The Foundation of Your Worth

Self-love isn't about bubble baths and spa days (though those can be nice). It's about recognizing your inherent worth, independent of your achievements or others' opinions. It's about treating yourself with the kindness and compassion you'd offer a dear friend. When you truly love yourself, you create a solid foundation from which to build relationships, navigate life's challenges, and make your mark on the world.

Self-Acceptance: Embracing All Parts of You

You've likely spent years trying to fit into societal molds, perhaps hiding parts of yourself that didn't seem acceptable. But true fulfillment comes from accepting all aspects of who you are—the light and the shadow, the strengths and the vulnerabilities, the good and the bad, the blessings and the flaws. Self-acceptance doesn't mean you stop growing; it means you grow from a place of wholeness rather than perceived lack.

Self-Expression: Letting Your True Colors Shine

When was the last time you expressed yourself fully, without fear of judgment? Self-expression is about allowing your authentic self to be seen and heard. It's about speaking your truth, pursuing your passions, and living in alignment with your values and desires. As you learn to express yourself authentically, you'll find that life becomes richer and more vibrant.

Authenticity: Living True to Yourself

Authenticity is the culmination of self-love, self-acceptance, and self-expression. It's about living from your core, making choices that align with your true self rather than external expectations. When you live authentically, you no longer need to hustle for your worth or dim your light to make others comfortable. You show up as your whole, magnificent self.

The Journey to Wholeness

Embracing these concepts isn't always easy, especially when you've built a life around meeting others' expectations and focusing on developing your outer world.

But you matter enough to invest in developing your inner world.

You've mastered the external; now it's time to cultivate your internal landscape with the same dedication.

This journey isn't about rejecting your achievements or the life you've built.

It's about infusing that life with deeper meaning and fulfillment. It's about you revealing the true you—even when it feels scary—and finding relationships with those who love you for who you really are.

It's about what you do in the world coming from the deep well of self-worth and authenticity rather than trying to compensate for lack from within through achievements and activity.

It's about making an impact that resonates with your soul's purpose.

As you embark on this path of self-discovery and self-empowerment, remember that you're not alone. Many of us are walking similar paths, ready to support and inspire you. And most importantly, you have an inner wisdom waiting to guide you home to yourself.

You matter not because of what you do but because of who you are.

This journey to reclaim your authentic self isn't a personal indulgence—it's necessary to live a full life and reach your fullest potential, and it is a gift to your relationships and the world.

When you shine your light fully and unapologetically, you give others permission to do the same.

You contribute your unique puzzle piece to the world when you show up as your true self.

So take a deep breath, place a hand on your heart, and remind yourself: "I matter. My journey matters. Who I am matters."

From this place of self-affirmation, you begin to create a life that feels as fulfilling on the inside as it looks on the outside.

If you're ready to stop hustling for your worth and start living from your wholeness—I've created something for you.

The Whole Soul Way™ is a course designed to guide you home to yourself. Through 39 videos I’ve been teaching women for over 4 years, you'll learn how to use all of life's irritations, triggers, and challenges as fodder to reclaim your authentic self. This isn't theory—it's a practical methodology for transforming from the inside out.

You'll discover how to:

• Recognize and heal the patterns that keep you proving your worth

• Work with your inner child, shadows, and nervous system to create lasting change

• Transform everyday friction into opportunities for self-discovery and healing

• Build unshakable self-trust, self-love, and inner safety

The course is completely free!

Ready to begin?

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