You think your husband can't handle your big feelings, but the truth is—you're not showing him your feelings at all. You're showing him your armor, your weapons, your defended self. And then wondering why he can't feel the tender heart underneath. He can't hold what you won't reveal.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret about why I think most married moms don't feel held or truly seen by their men.

This isn't going to be true for everyone, but it might resonate with some of you.

I spent too many years hurting because I felt like my husband could NOT show up for me the way I wanted. I craved for him to prove he could handle all of me and never make me feel like I was too much. I wanted him to be able to hold my pain.

To know exactly what to say in any given situation.

And to be able to trust him to be there no matter what.

But no matter what I did, no matter how I asked for it…it never happened.

I could not understand why.

Until I finally started to get it.

Before then, I was convinced that it would never happen unless he did his inner healing work. That he needed to get a grip on his defensiveness.

What I Was Actually Doing

Allow me to illustrate how I expressed my emotions to him for most of our marriage.

I said things like:

"I wish you'd do more around the house without me asking. I don't think you appreciate that I have a million things on my mind, always thinking about everyone and everything. I want you to do more. Why can't you notice what needs to be done and do it? I need to be able to trust that you'll do what you say you'll do. Otherwise, I might as well do it myself."

Let's dissect this a bit.

I was speaking from a place of anger and resentment and was often bringing critical and attacking energy.

And yet, I wanted him to pull me close and hold me, to know that underneath those feelings were other, deeper, truer, and more vulnerable feelings.

I wanted him to draw me out and invite me deeper. I wanted him to FEEL me.

Do you think that's what I got?

Nooo! Of course not. I came in too hot and activated his defensiveness, which shut him down.

I can only see this so clearly in retrospect.

At the time, I felt so justified in my hurt and anger, and so disconnected from my heart that I didn't care how I said it. I just needed to say it and thought he "should" hold my pain, be there for me, and say and do all the "right things" to make me feel better.

And for him?

He just didn't want to upset me more. He wanted the pain of my attack to just STOP.

So, I never got what I wanted.

The Pattern That Keeps Us Stuck

We're strong, capable women who've spent our entire lives proving we don't need anyone. We've built empires of self-sufficiency. We handle everything. We're the ones people lean on.

And needing him? Showing him our soft underbelly? That feels like weakness.

So we come in defended. Armored. Critical. Angry.

Because anger feels powerful.
Criticism feels like control.
Resentment feels safer than vulnerability.

What if we show him our tender heart and he doesn't know what to do with it? What if he fumbles it? What if he says the wrong thing or worse—what if he walks away?

At least when we come in with our weapons drawn, we're protected. We can't get hurt if we never let him see what actually hurts.

But here's the paradox: the very armor we use to protect ourselves is exactly what's keeping us from getting what we want.

For most of us, our hearts are guarded. We're up in our heads. We've been conditioned to show up in more masculine ways—doing doing doing—all the time.

And we're languishing because we are not connected to our hearts—we're living a half-lived life.

The whole truth is that we wish our husbands would FEEL us, but we only reveal our armor and weapons to them.

We don't LET THEM feel us.

The Closed Fist

A wise teacher once gathered her students and held out her closed fist. She said, "Try to open my hand." The students tried to pry her fingers open, but the more they tried, the tighter she clenched her fist.

Then, she relaxed her hand and opened her palm. "Now," she said, "the hand is open."

The teacher explained, "In relationships when we approach others with defensiveness and demands, they often respond by closing off. But when we open ourselves, showing our true vulnerability, we create a space for others to open up as well."

The Journey from Head to Heart

The secret to getting what we want is to journey from our heads to our hearts.

To drop our guard and open our hearts, to access our feminine depths and reveal our vulnerability, and to find and express our deeper feelings—our fears, tenderness, and soft underbelly—not just our thoughts and frustrations.

Yes, this feels terrifying.

Yes, it feels like we're giving up our power.

But we've already tried the armored approach.

How's that working?

What that might sound like is:

"I put so much pressure on myself to get everything done, and it feels like it's all too much. I feel a little angry at everyone for not noticing how much pressure I'm under, and it makes me want to cry. But it feels like it all needs to get done, so I also feel trapped."

Who would you feel more connected to?

The guarded response?

Or the vulnerable one?

Of course, the vulnerable one!

Only when we become capable of showing up in this vulnerable, heart-centered way will we activate his masculine energy.

When we speak from our tender heart instead of our guarded mind, we create the space for him to step up.

→ Our softness invites his strength.
→ Our uncertainty encourages his steadfastness.
→ Our vulnerability allows him to feel empathy.
→ Our "problem" turns on his desire to help.

By learning to soften our hearts and communicate from a place of genuine vulnerability, we can transform ourselves and our marriages.

We create the conditions for our partners to show up as the supportive, space-holding men we've been yearning for.

Learn to Access Your Sacred Strength

If you're ready to drop the armor and access the vulnerable, heart-centered communication that actually gets you what you want—if you're ready to stop attacking and start connecting—The Whole Soul Way™ will show you how.

This comprehensive foundational course (available free on my ELATE Podcast on YouTube and podcast channels) includes 39 lessons that guide you from your defended head into your vulnerable heart. You'll learn what I call Sacred Strength—the courage to be soft, the power in vulnerability, and the feminine depth that invites true intimacy.

You'll discover how to:

• Recognize when you're armored up and speaking from your defended self

• Journey from your head to your heart and access your deeper feelings

• Express vulnerability without collapsing or feeling weak

• Create the conditions for your husband to show up and hold you

• Reclaim your authentic feminine core and soft strength

• Transform critical, defended communication into vulnerable connection

You can have what you want. But it requires the courage to journey into the depths of your heart and reclaim your full power—both your strength AND your softness.

Begin your journey:

Watch on YouTube
Listen on Apple
Listen on Spotify

Can you think of a moment when being vulnerable in your relationship led to a positive outcome? Share in the comments below.